Affected Mourning.

Do you ever have one of those days when you feel as if everything is wrong and the consciousness of right seems in a far away land... yeah, I am having one of those days today. There have been many deaths in my family, not concrete deaths but intangible; maybe absolute dissolution would make this easier.


I have searched every indentation for even so much as a glint of hope; it was all but one lie short of truth. I must have been asking for too much when I wanted nothing more than a scent of your love. I have watched myself die a thousand times and again; your abandonment is tormenting every fiber within. I know people, the people that have no idea who I am, will read this and think nothing more than " poor, poor little dramatic girl." These people will never know the affliction this poor little girl harbors every time she comes across a father and his child.


To fight with my father at this point would be better than this, this interminable life of desolation. I could understand if I were his only daughter but I am not; it's as if the day he let me go he started a new family and forgot to tell me I was no longer a part of his heart. I wish someone would have told me how difficult it would be; feeling worthy of anything after a father's denial is an understatement.


Yes, I am that little girl with "daddy issues" and this is a battle I fight every day of my life. Countless times over, I have pushed family and friends away; the fear of closeness without dissolution fuses in my veins. I know how far I have come, I know how far I have gone and one day my scars will perish, that will be the day I realize the heartache was all worth it. The past is said to be left without afterthought,but this cannot withhold veracity when our past haunts the streets we walk unrelentingly.